Men would rather drive around lost than ask for directions, and often develop the same resistance to divorce advice. Well-meaning friends and associates who have either "been there-done that", or know of a real "mad-dog" lawyer, will be the first to tell their stories or offer their assistance. Most often this is not the advice a man needs, or the stories he wants to hear. Useful advice for men experiencing the big "D" is often hard to find. Much of the available advice is even harder to defend.

Many websites and blogs suggest that men summarily receive unequal treatment in the Courts, perpetuating misinformation, and angry rhetoric instead of explaining the judicial and emotional process of divorce. Evaluate your own divorce options and position by sticking to the facts of your own situation and try not to form predisposed notions of how you will be mistreated by the Court. If you are forthcoming, honest and reasonable, the Court will treat you reasonably and with respect.

The best divorce advice for men is that which facilitates a reasonable and fair settlement for BOTH parties with as little involvement by an attorney as possible, dependent upon the size and complexity of your marital estate. Although divorce is fraught with emotion and pain on both sides, relentless battles over children and possessions solves little while only increasing bitterness and strain, and decreasing assets with rapidly mounting attorney fees.

Whether plaintiff or defendant, primary breadwinner or stay-at-home Dad, your best interest will be served by making an honest, realistic attempt to settle your monetary as well as custodial divorce issues as equitably as possible - not to say you must give your soon-to-be ex-spouse everything she asks for, but that you must be reasonable in your division of both assets and liabilities of the marital estate, based on the earning capacity and history of both parties, the length of the marriage, number of dependent children and their ages, as well as how best to maintain a nearly equal standard of living for all involved.

Your State of residence will have bearing on how involved you must be with an attorney with regards to "community" versus "separate" property, and "fault" versus "no-fault" divorce States, as well as physical and legal custody of minor children. In California for instance, the Court does not adjudicate Fault in a divorce, nor does it necessarily favor one parent over another. That the Court in California favors the mother and is biased towards women when it comes to physical custody of minor children, is a myth among men.

In fact, the bias regarding custody of minor children tends toward the childrens' primary caregiver, be that mother OR father, and is addressed on a case by case basis. California Superior Courts widely utilize a family support division with mandatory counseling for divorcing parents and children, facilitating the development of a custody agreement separate from any monetary settlement and future judgment.

The Court's final judgment will include the agreed upon arrangements under the custody agreement, along with any child support if appropriate, as well as any alimony due one party by the other. In most States it is possible to represent yourself in a divorce, i.e. without an attorney, called IN PRO PER, but I do not recommend this, especially if your spouse has retained an attorney. Family law is a vast and complicated science in addition to the court rules and procedures. Moreover, even experienced attorneys rarely represent themselves, as emotion can cloud ones' ability to think clearly and make reasonable and rational decisions.

I do advise you to have as many issues resolved as possible prior to consulting a lawyer, and make every effort to have your attorney only ask for what you truly KNOW to be fair and equitable, while expecting the same from your spouse. This is often the toughest part of any divorce.

So, to the point:

1) DO know the value of your marital estate, i.e. cash on hand, i.e. checking and savings accounts, real estate "fair market value", value of investment, retirement funds, annual income from work or self-employment and how title is held with beneficiaries, personal property, etc. Have copies of all documents, and tax returns for the past 3 years.

2) DO your homework! Get divorce tips through credible self-help references online and on attorneys through your State Bar Association. Your local County Superior Court has information on the procedure for filing the divorce papers, the filing fees, and court rules. Your local bookstore and library can also provide a myriad of valuable reference resources (remember, this is in the Non-fiction section).

3) DO consult a well-respected attorney, and a family therapist for emotional support.

4) DO maintain a loving relationship with your children - YOU ARE THE ADULT - and set a good example by maintaining an amiable, working relationship with your spouse.

5) DO NOT try to hide assets or minimize income. When the Court discovers the truth (and they will), you will have diminished your own credibility.

6) DO NOT make unrealistic settlement demands, as these will tend to diminish the validity of your legitimate claims.

7) DO NOT force children to choose between you and their mother, either in time spent together, loyalty or affection. The divorce is not their fault. Try your best to work out and stick to an agreement regarding physical custody and visitation, or respect your children's decisions if they are over the age of 12. You will be rewarded with their love and respect in the long term, even if it seems unbearable now.

8) DO NOT use your children for negotiation, as messengers, or pawns to punish your spouse, and do not make derogatory remarks about their mother. All of these tactics will have the reverse of their intended effect.

ABOVE ALL: Remember - divorce is not a crime, nor should you be ashamed of being divorced! Regardless of the reasons for your divorce, you must do whatever you can to maintain your self-esteem, your job, your extended family relationships and your friendships. The sooner a settlement is reached the sooner you can move on and begin the process of rebuilding your life and enjoying all it has to offer - once again.